by G. Jack Urso
I stumbled
across this article from the State University at Albany ‘s newspaper, Albany Student Press, from December 8, 1970.
At the time, Walt’s Subs, the parent company of what would later evolve into
Big Dom’s Subs, which I cover in my article Aeolus 13 Umbra: The Rise and Fall of Big Dom’s Subs, had a delivery service,
something they would abandon when they became Big Dom’s.
As someone who also
wrote for my college newspaper, the end of the semester, as it is here, usually leaves staff short-handed as student reporters abandon their beats to prepare for finals. I recall the challenge to find last-minute fillers and that was when we could slip something impromptu and off-the-wall into the newspaper. Here, John O'Grady, features editor, interviews fellow student Louis G. Scorca, the “Submarine
Magnate” in question who delivers for Walt’s.
At times, the piece does seem like it was written with the help of a six-pack and a few joints. The humor has an Animal House sensibility and reflects the era with tongue secured squarely in cheek.
__________________________________________________________
Submarine
Magnate Speaks
by John O'Grady
Features Editor
Scan of the original article.
[Ed. Note: Original spelling and punctuation, retained.]
Louis G. Scorca,
currently occupying the position of Executive Deliveryboy for one of the
nation's largest submarine concerns (Walt's, Inc., of Albany), has for many
years been an outspoken influence on intestinal and world affairs; his union,
the General Association of Submarine Sandwich Executive Deliveryboys (GASSED),
represents two-thirds of this country's submarine firm, including Walt's,
Mike's, Milton's, University Sub, Stalengrisi's of Flushing, and Polaris. Here
with a selection of his more important comments:
Q: Sexual
traditions in the United States have undergone radical changes in the last
decade; would you speculate on some of the reasons for these changes?
A: Hot Pepperoni
has probably influenced sexual freedom in the United States more than any other
single factor, owing to its composite qualities of heat, spice, and smoothness.
Some have speculated that the introduction of the Meat Ball Sub back in 1957
was an initial cause, but I personally fail to see any suggestion of
promiscuity in a greasy meat patty just because it's longer than it is wide.
Q: The Nation's
economy is another field now receiving wide spread popular attention. How can
we combat inflation?
A: I have no
idea how anyone else does it, but at Walt's we have eliminated the sales tax on
deliveries and substituted a 30 cent delivery charge; the money therefore goes
toward paying for our car windows instead of Governor Rockefeller's limousines.
Also, vast
improvements in our submarines have contributed both to the economy and to the
environment: In 1961 we increased by 6.2% the density of our Russian Dressing,
ensuring that single Roast Beef Sub would cause complete gastric satisfaction
and that money would not be thrown around on more of these popular tasty
treats. In 1964, we decreased the price of our lettuce, tomatoes, salt, and
salad oil necessitating a small but non-inflationary increase in the price of
our bologna, ham, turkey, roast beef, salami, etc.). And, finally, as early as
1966, Walt's decided to put all of this food on a roll; not a thick, doughy,
chewable roll, mind you, but a thin, flaky, quickly oxygenating roll which
disintegrates within 18 minutes after it's thrown away. We feel we have
effected a near ecological revolution by this improvement in our packaging.
Louis G. Scorca, almost, from a photograph accompanying the article (see above).
Q: Would you
care to comment on causes of student unrest?
A: Student
unrest could probably be eliminated completely if those persons with weak
stomachs told us emphatically to go easy on the salad oil.
Q: Getting
more personal, if I may, what is your reaction to the recent robberies
perpetrated against you and your firm?
A: My union,
GASSED, has taken it completely upon itself to bring the perpetrators up on
charges under the Taft Hartley Law, which specifically forbids coercion or
obstruction of business. The security police on your com pus have unfortunately
not been very cooperative in our efforts, being abnormally concerned with the
fact that the robbers were armed with pistols and knives, detail not under the
jurisdiction of the Taft Hartley Law and therefore irrelevant to the case. I
feel compelled here to add that we are now carefully scrutinizing the
possibility of bringing charges against the president of your university under
this same law, if he doesn't get rid of those damn barricades around the
dormitory areas. Furthermore, students travelling at less than 40 miles per
hour on the gravel in front of each quadrangle are a similar obstruction to the
free flow of business and may consider themselves criminal mischiefs in danger
of prosecution.
Q: May I ask
you to state your background prior to becoming a famous submarine magnate.
A Yes, I used to
sweep the floor of a delicatessen in Sicily. My background really lends nothing
to a better understanding of my opinions of my greatness.
Q: Can you give us some perspective on the
future? What lies ahead for the Submarine industry?
A: Well, I've
already mentioned our interest in ecology we've a plan underway now to clean up
all the fats in Patrone Creek and dump them war hot sauce with anchors. That
would provide a basis for an experimental, “anti-pollution” sub, which we have
tentatively titled "Walt's Hot Rats Special."
Organizationally,
however, the Submarine Industry may be in trouble. You must remember that I am
only one man and that ng union, GASSED, powerful as it is, represents Submarine
Executive Deliveryboys only. In the future there has got to be more acted such
items as my recent proposal for a Consolidated [unintelligible] Encystation of Every
Submarine Employee (CHEESE), organization crucial to future coherent planning
and politicking. Right now, I feel an urgent need for a Presidential Institute in
Submarine Sandwiches to relate some of the industry's less complex problems.
● ● ●